HCC in the Trenches: "How I'm Seeing God in This Crisis"

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The following is from one your fellow HCC members. It is long so perhaps grab a cup of tea as you sit and read this real-life example of how to see God in all our struggles.

To my brothers and sisters at HCC. I am terrified of writing this because it will finally outline how bad things actually are. Right now, it’s like there are so many things that it seems OK, because I can only see one or two things at a time. Then, I move on down the list and forget (or try not to remember) them all.

I will start with a brief introduction to paint the picture. I have spent my entire life being a Christian, I know the bible well-enough to have a fairly in-depth conversation about pretty much most topics. I attend church when I’m able (i.e. not working or have some other more pressing concern). I can lead and guide fellow Christians in what I know to be the truth for their lives. I’ve had numerous times where I’ve relied on the Lord for various things and trusted in Him for solutions to many of life’s problems. So, to sum it up … I’m a “good” Christian.

So, sailing through life with the regular issues anyone else might have, I’ve dealt with infertility, the deaths of close family, and the full range of curveballs “life” throws at us. Queue Act IV Scene II.

Having had a fairly good marriage, not withstanding its ups and downs, I was unfortunately faced with it having come to an abrupt end. Now what? This is honestly one of the most devastating things that could possibly happen to a person, having your entire identity ripped away, leaving you with a sense of hopelessness, a lack of understanding, and a heart that has been shattered, not mention realizing how badly you have failed at, well, the biggest commandment the Bible asks of us … to Love one another.

So, for the first time since they were born, I had to surrender to spending time without my kids … I now only have them 50% of my time. Having never spent a night without them seems to be an unnecessary evil. So, you might ask, “how do you deal with this?” 

Well you pray. So, I earnestly sought out God’s Word and learned how to pray in earnest. I prayed daily. I cut out life’s distractions like eating, drinking, television, anything that took time away from my “acts of righteousness,” such as prayer and devotions. I read so many daily devotionals that my Bible app was, for the first time, congratulating me on my performance, awarding me with stars and badges. I prayed God’s Word every opportunity I got: at home; at work; in the car while listening to podcasts on how to deal with being alone, anxious, stressed and clinging to the idea that I knew I had faith.

Receiving communication from a lawyer that sums up your 15-year marriage with industry jargon is an emotional experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Seeing your own failure in writing puts a different perspective on things. But remaining steadfast, the house which we had just bought manages to provide a stable environment for the kids in these uncertain times. But it comes with the challenge of paying off the mortgage and all related-expenses on a single salary … which is impossible!

So, on a ridiculously tight budget I trust in the Lord and keep moving forward. I pray and ask for hope, but have no idea where to get it or even if it’s good to have it. I come to church on a Sunday that I’m not working and ask the Lord for some kind of confirmation that He’s in control. He answers by having James preach on what topic? Hope. So, I begin to trust in the Lord with a little hope.

But, coming into the new year I find myself with no money for food, bills, school fees or gas to get to work. Parking tickets pile up because I can’t afford to pay parking at work. At this point I’m a broken individual; I have no hope of anything anymore. But I get up every day and I go to work. I keep saying I will trust in the Lord but am starting to doubt whether He even knows I exist.

Suddenly, I get a text message from a friend and the next thing I know some money has been paid into my account … enough not only for some groceries but also to pay school fees and see me through to month end. Then, at the very last minute I manage to secure a temporary tenant to lease part of the house. He can’t afford to pay a deposit, but I have a tenant! Again, I accept things and, for some reason, keep waking up every day, clinging to Proverbs 3:5 … so I trust in the Lord. Now, seeing a small glimmer of hope, I realize maybe God has found the time to throw me a bone.  Understand, I’m a firm believer who knows that God is good all the time … well, for everyone else anyway. I’ve been taught, “God has a plan and a design for your life and he loves YOU!” But that must apply to everyone else, not to me. Obviously!

I reach out to my boss and with humility explain my circumstances and how my hours would need to change to accommodate my new schedule of being a single-parent 50% of the time. This was the hardest conversation ever, given the nature of the business and that what I was requesting was unprecedented. I’m afraid I’m about to lose my job. Surprise! He said leave it with me and I’ll see if what you’re asking is possible. You may have guessed by now that patience is not my strong suit, so I get more anxious and fearful … and then trust in the Lord because what’s the worst that could happen, right? After a week we sit down and he explains how he managed to not only accommodate my schedule but also found a way to pay for my monthly parking. This is amazing! God not only knows I exist but it seems He might have heard perhaps at least one of my prayers. So, I trust in the Lord again another day.

Now 3 months have passed and I have found a groove … a rhythm … a pattern: work; home; cry; try to sleep; repeat. I’m beginning to realize here that it’s hard work to pray all day, read your bible and listen to podcasts when you get a gap. I’m starting to slip up in my time spent in the Word so it’s getting less and less, It’s now slowly starting to dawn on me that the very thing for which I’m trusting the Lord the most might possibly be the one thing for which I can’t trust Him. So I don’t dare hope. Through it all I still seem to be missing something; I feel depressed and incredibly lonely, the Lord is supposed to be a comforter and a healer, but I’m not experiencing any of it. Conclusion? Something must be wrong with me. I’m working so hard at trying to please the Lord so that He will listen to me and answer my prayers that it’s beginning to get very difficult. I hear a sermon on how much God loves us and that He will never love us more than what He does right now. That can’t be right … He must love me more because I’m doing so much to impress Him.

This led to new enlightenment. I discovered that what I’m missing is seeking the Lord for Who He is … and NOT what I can get from Him.  What that means to me now is that He wants a relationship with me. Great how do I do that? Imagine finding a really good author and reading all of his/her books. It might help you get an understanding of who they are, but you will still never have met them. You won’t know who they really are. It’s the same with the Lord … He wants us to know Him and to trust Him because we have a relationship with Him, not because a couple of English words were strung together in a text we read in a bible verse. Yet ironically, that verse provides an understanding for developing an unwavering, child-like commitment to God, and then maintaining our relationship. Again, great … how do I do that? As human beings we can’t compare our earthly fathers to each other because each has a unique relationship with their children. God is Who you need Him to be and the relationship you have with Him will develop as you mature … allowing you to trust Him more. Now I see a new rhythm in me … He gives me breakthroughs and I trust Him more, which leads to more breakthroughs and then more trust. New conclusion: I’ve learned to trust the Lord completely and to not rely on my own opinions, and with all my heart rely on Him to guide me and lead me in every decision I make. It’s that easy!

Back to my story. Being in a work environment that is toxic to making good decisions, and then having made some poor decisions, I found myself without a job. Now what? Well, it’s easy; just trust in the Lord. One might say, yeah Right! He doesn’t have a mortgage, school fees, bills, electricity, gas, car payments and kids relying on him to feed them. So now what? How on earth can I get a job in 2 weeks and catch up on my outstanding payments. Trust in the Lord! That’s exactly it, no matter what I’ve done or where I am, I need to trust Him. I keep being reminded of Psalm 23 which tells us that the Lord walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death; the key word being through. If we get stuck in that valley then there is no hope. No, it’s a process that is designed to come to an end and bring us out of that valley. Ecclesiastes 3 says it so well; for everything there is a season.

So what about my bills and my mortgage? Well, Covid -19 has provided me with an opportunity to get through the next few months with not having to pay my mortgage! Plus, my employer was able to split my last paycheque, including a year’s leave-pay over 2 pay-periods. The Lord has brought me through another month. Romans 8:28 reminds us that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called by Him.

So where am I now you might ask? I don’t know if I’ll have a house by the end of next month, but I trust that the Lord has a plan … I learned that from Jeremiah 29:11 which tells me that He knows the plans He has for us. Being an only child and having no other family here in Canada, I have no one else to rely on. So, I choose today to trust in Him. Through the tears it’s taken me to write this … and through the uncertainty of where we as a country and a world find ourselves … and with bills to pay yet no job … and with kids who rely on me … and with anxiety and loneliness always at my side … and with an incurable chronic disease (not life threatening) that makes it impossible to sleep without pain … I choose Him and I place my trust in Him. I’ll do that tomorrow too, and every day after that.

Being in this situation right now seems hopeless, but again Romans 8:28 comes to mind as the mortgage has been able to be deferred for 3 months and The Canada Emergency Response Benefit has provided unseen financial assistance in this time. Plus, I now get a monthly reduction in Auto insurance premiums. So, I am able to not only get through today, but God has looked ahead for me for the next 3 months too. I'm starting to realize that even at the worst times in our lives, God still hears us and blesses us … often in ways that we cannot see or fathom.

As I thank you for taking the time to read this, I leave you with these words which give me great comfort:

Everything which I have taught you is so that the peace which is in me will be in you and will give you great confidence as you rest in me. For in this unbelieving world you will experience trouble and sorrows, but you must be courageous, for I have conquered the world.   John 16:33